I’ve been thinking about the evolution of pain, for an individual: how the terrible becomes memory.
So I was listening to many songs tonight, with deep associations to my past, often painful memories of mistakes and ignorant loss of opportunity for joy. People I still love–who taught me how to love–who are now either strangers or worse: MIA, never to be seen again.
So these are songs that would, in the right light, bring me to my knees with sorrow and regret. I mean, those songs that remind you of shining futures surrounded by friends and family that, of course, you’d never, ever lose.
But ya lose em.
Tonight, somehow, a lot of those songs lost their barbs. Yes, I still regret; yes, those mnemonics still move me. But apparently something happened these past weeks where I learned the difference between sadness and pain.
I still miss my past loves. I still have regrets, and I can imagine some difficult (possibly violent) conversations that I would have with my younger self.
But somehow, today, I learned how to remember the glad instead of the sad. All those songs and memories, somehow, make me smile instead of grimace. And I think that my only conclusion, personally, is that real emotional pain… Heals.
Smiling through tears, as I thank you for reading,